Forgive me Interwebs…

It’s been several WEEKS since my last update.

Well, Eldest heads back to college Wednesday morning. We leave at 5am. Oy. Luckily, it’s within 3.5-4 hrs of our home in New Jersey.  She (we) have been packing for what seems like days on end. She’s going back with a ton of food – including a few baggies of frozen homemade Mama meals.  I hope she has a chill roommate. At  least she only has one roommate this year. Last year, it was a triple room situation and it was TIGHT in there.

So, Youngest has been slacking a bit on her summer reading. I feel like I am all over her ass, nagging her to get her assignments completed and out of the way. I am so proud of all she’s done…  she is taking on some extra classes this year. I hope she isn’t overloaded.

I worry … Lordy, all I seem to DO is worry. And nag… and fuss… Ugh! I’ve got to change. Maybe lower some expectations that I have heaped up on myself.

mom

I need to read this every day. I hope I do become the Mom I want them to remember.

 

Family

My stress levels are through the roof.

One cause to it.

Family.

stress

I adore them all but they are driving me to drink. I don’t know how I can even begin to move forward sometimes. I make progress and then there’s a fight.. a real knock-down, drag out verbal disaster that happens. Eldest gets confrontational, Husband get aggressive, Youngest bails out, and I am the Mediator. I try to calm everyone and get the others to actually listen to eat other before jumping to conclusions.

Lately, not so successful at all. Eldest is heading back to college in about five weeks. I don’t want to her to leave with things being so tense. But, I am so sad that I actually believe that these issues will never be fixed… there will be a rift in our family dynamic that just won’t be resolved.

My parents have both passed away. The majority of my inlaws are in Florida, and my brother and I don’t really chat much at all.  I honestly believe that if we weren’t related, he wouldn’t even like me. ::sigh::

So, all I have is my little collective right here. And, I think it’s broken. Very broken. I don’t know what my next step should be…

I just feel very helpless.

Going back

I never finished college.

Man, that really sucks to see this written out on my laptop screen. I had an opportunity to attend school (for free!) but never took complete advantage of it. At one time, my father had worked for a community college in Monmouth County, NJ and one of the perks was that his children could attend classes at no charge, just the cost of books and supplies. I don’t recall the full details about the arrangement.  I think it may have been to take up to four classes a semester.

I could KICK myself for not completing school. It is the one true regret that I have.  I catch myself shoulda, woulda, and coulda-ing all the time. I know there would have been better job opportunities, more money… and it goes on and on and on… I am all over my girls about the opportunity of continuing their education. Eldest has finished her first year of college and I’ve got Youngest heading into tenth grade. As young women, they will need to be at the top of their game in regards to education and training.

So, in order to make some positive changes for myself, I decided to enroll back in college. It’s a different community college than I had previously attended but I believe the few classes I had taken will be easily transferred to here. I am strangely excited but yet completely nervous. It’s been 27 years since I had graduated from high school and 18 years since I had last taken any type of class in a classroom setting. Seriously, I am still helping Youngest with some of her homework!

Maybe she will be able to help me with mine.

sweet-strong-women-quotes